God’s rubber chicken

God’s rubber chicken

(If you like this story there are tons more here. You can also find a whole bunch of different things I’ve written right here. So, you’ve tons to enjoy.

I told Danny Fong my old dentist I do my best praying in his chair. Because I’m so scared. I wrote a very funny two part piece called the

Water Wretch based on my fear of his drills.

Danny’s retired and sold the business to Robin. Robin laughs at my dumb jokes and feigns interest in my stories so I would walk through fire for him. Robin hired a new hygienist because Jester…Actually I don’t know why Jester quit. But she was so gentle and soft spoken and kind to my gums when the plaque saw her coming it just leaped off my teeth out of admiration and respect.

The new hygienist is named a sweet Vietnamese name that probably means the white lotus blossoms resting Tranquilly in the calming reflecting pool under happy stars.

At midnight.

No doubt that’s what it means. But its unpronounceable to thick, dumb American tongues so she goes by Kathy.

Kathy is a petite. I don’t know what she looks like because of her mask and goggles, tyvek suit, rebreather, body armor and feathered boa.

There is no boa.

That boa just attached itself to the end of the sentence of it’s own accord.

I’m sure she’s pleasant enough to look at though I couldn’t swear to it in a court of law.

But just like Jester she is quiet and soft

Spoken so there is hope for this professional relationship as scraper/scrapee..

I’ve been drinking way, way too much tea mixed with healthy stuff so I was wired

When she came up to the patient lounge to bring me back to the torture chambers.

And, as long as we’re on this subject I need to point out not one person in there was lounging. There were no silk slippers. No maroon parsley smoking jackets, baggy cashmere jump suits. None of that and I’m beginning to think they just call it a lounge to take the edge off you are going to be drilled and scraped and needled. And other unpleasant things.

So smiling be hind her mask lotus blossoms comes for me. All the other inmates are rattling their cups and weeping as they clutch cold prison bars and say small prayers I will meet my end with some scrap of dignity. “we will never forget you Frankie chocolate.” Cried out in a nine year old voice drenched in agony and loss.

Was his name Frankie? I thought it Bill?

Yeah, it was Phil or something . Phil Thompson wasn’t it?

Yeah. I’m sure of it.

And then they went back to reading their magazines while Kathy got me settled in the rack. Abandon all hope all ye who sit herein.

Where you from.

What’s your name.

How old are you?

Do you got any kids?

Are you married?

Are you gonna be mean to me?

What’s your favorite color?

Sorry I get nervous in the dental chair and talk too much.

I am from Vietnam. Saigon. Said Bossom.

See my name is here on my shirt.

I see her name . when she pronounces her name it sounds like a horse with a ropey Cough. I twist my larynx into a knot and out comes something like a frog trying to order Thai in a Russian dumpling house but not even remotely like anything she said.

“ nailed it” she said with a twinkle behind that blue cloth mask.

Oh this girl has a sense of humor. Ahhh Soo!

I am 41. She says softly.

Stop.

Stop

Stop.

In America we never say our age. Its rude to even ask.

But u ask me…

See! Rude. Now Feng Cho.

Kathy.

Now Feng. In America when some asks you how old are you we always reply with the same answer,”finally 29”

Finally 29?

How do you say exactly in Vietnamese?

She horse coughs again and I repeat it

So, Kathy, how old are you?

Finally 29.

Nailed it.

Now the conversation is crackling and she is about to kill it shoving painful things into my mouth. Before I stop talking I wave and tell her. You must tell me all about your husband and how you met.

And she tells me the story and its wonderful and tugs at your heart and at least a few of those tears in my eyes were for her story.

She has a new tool I call the mercilarry its merciless and its harry . It’s a wet grinding scaler for plaque removal. It saves time. It is beyond horrible. Think dentist drill but without the numbs-o-sauce. She is slopping it around in there and I am gasping. And gagging. I wave at her . she scowls and finally after obliterating the plaque on that back molar stops.

What! (horse cough with a dipthong.. on the end)

What was that last word ?

Vietnamese for baby.

This thing. This grinder hooked up to the flood gates of heaven. This is a time saver for you right?

Ohh. You very smart. Now open up and stop whimpering. Mama not done yet.You don’t want to see me when I mad.

(she absolutely stole this line from Bruce Banner before he turns into the hulk. I say nothing.)

I would faint but I’m sure she has some wicked metal dog muzzle to force my poor mouth open so I press on . once more into the frey dear hearts.

I open one eye.

She is reading people magazine with one hand while her other hand holds the Mercilarry. I close my eyes and hope to live long enough for her to finish that Ryan Reynolds cover story.

I am soaked with sweat and water from the grinder. Finally DR. Castro comes in and scares me . oh, Dr. C. this new girl is the worst? She destroyed me.

“Baby need to brush better here and here and especially here.” She says while poking her nitrile glove into my sore mouth.

She gave me a bath.

It hot out. Bath cool you off “ and she doubles over in laughter at her own blinding wit.

She makes my 6 mo. Appointment still shaking with mirth.

You will never work on me again . you killed me.

Cheer up chocolate Francis.

Frankie. Chocolate.

Cheer up FRANCIS. Next time I tell u about my three beautiful daughters. We gonna have big fun next time. But next time we get down to business. No footing pussy around.

My life passes before me as I lurch towards the elevator.

Her laughter still ringing in my ears. She is very happy.

I go off to clean dog whizz out of MJ’s carpet. While I am working the basement stairs God comes close and tells me how glad Kathy was to have me as a new patient.

she hates me sir.

No Frankie. She loves you. She has lived in America over 20 years and is embarrassed at her English. Just this morning she was telling me she wished her English was good enough to tell a joke but it never will be. Today she told a joke about it being hot out and the shower bath she gave you would cool you down.

She told a lot of Jokes sir.

Yes she did . and she was very glad I brought you into her life to help her come out of herself. You helped her laugh Frankie.

So, I’m like your whoopie cushion sir?

No. never.

Oh. Ok good.

I’ve always thought of you as my rubber chicken.

Yes sir Lord Jesus. Yes sir! The End.