Candy Day
EXODUS 12 LEAVING EGYPT CANDY DAY
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A
(For Miss Sandy Crane)
sk her for the fudge nut passels.”
“Is that even a thing?”
“No. You’re right. Ask her for the fudge nut passel whackers.”
“You’re making these things up right?”
“Absolutely not and I can prove it.”
“How?”
“Cuz when they write this down in the bible for centuries to come people all over the world will read how the Israelites cleaned out the Egyptians of gold and silver and all kinda precious things and not one jot or tittle will ever mention how you got their fudgiest goodies, their Snickers bars, their seven-layer coconut bars or any of the two or three hundred mouthwatering goodies I intend on glomming up.”
“How will the lack of any mention of these things prove these things exist?”
“Cuz the ‘Gyptians may give up their gold and silver and fancy frocks when staring down the barrel of the angel of deaths’ 44 but they really have a hard time parting with the cashew, caramel and milk chocolate turtle candies, much lets the almond bark, the coconut haystacks and just forget about the choco-covered cherries. And I want em Miss Sandy. I want em all. The Egypt boys will make sure history says nothing about their enormous sweet tooth remedy.
“Jackie Boy, You’re a celestial. Don’t you have just acres of those things back home?”
“Celestial I am,” said Jack the Nose. Yes. But there is something about the dry Egyptian climate that makes a chocolate bar really snap with Egyptian goodness. Alpha Centuri confections can’t hold a candle to them.”
“I don’t know, Jacko. I feel bad enough looting these people of their precious metals’ silks and dyed badger skins we’re gonna need for the tabernacle. Do I real need to empty their candy jars while I’m at it?”
“In for a penny. In for a pound. Of course, you do. The last thing Mrs. Pharaoh is gonna need is some pralines smothered in chocolate and nuts when she’s gotta roll up her sleeves and help Mr. Pharaoh rebuild their crushed economy. No, what she needs is grit and determination. A little sand in her coffee to get her fighting mad so they can re-erect the pyramids and swab out the Nile.”
“Woah! Are we taking those too? Cuz no one told me we were taking them. I’m gonna need a bigger cart if we gotta haul off the pyramid of Cheops.”
“It was just a metaphor.”
“I got lumbago Jackie Boy and some of those stones tip the scale at 70 tons. I’m gonna need some help hefting those suckers by evening for sure. Mid-day would probably be better.”
“We’ll leave the triangles.”
“Good cuz If I gotta haul those myself I’m gonna want the next day or two off and plenty of Advil.”
“Yeah. Ok. I’ll get right on that.”
“And I thought chocolate wouldn’t be discovered for thousands of years in Central America.”
“That’s what those Egyptian rascals want you to think. They’ve had the stuff, the good stuff from Europe for hundreds of years but have you or any other Hebrew ever had so much a taste?”
“Mmm. No. I don’t believe we have. Those devils!”
“See! It was bad enough enslaving your people for hundreds of years but to not share the fudge nut hen’s teeth, the Passel Whackers, the Nut Goomber, Fudgies, Donkey Barks, Dog Chortles or Caramel Scarab Beetles is just plain rude Miss Sandy.”
“Those jerks! I’ll say it is. Let me at em Jackie Boy. Let me at em.”
“Ok, here’s the next house. It’s the Phil Schmedrakeian the governor of this province’s home. Now do it just like I taught you.”
Ring. Ring. Ring…. Bam, Bam, BAM!
“Oh bother, plagues of locust and frogs and darkness. What is it now? Collecting for the Red Cross? Yes. What is it my dear? How can I help you?”
“Hi, Mrs. Schmendrakeian.” My name is Sandy. We’re neighbors see and I was wondering…
“You live in this neighborhood? Oh, I doubt that dearie.”
“Sure, I do. Me and Rich and a house load of babies. Right across the swamp close to the sewage treatment land fill site.”
“Oh. Over there huh. I thought I recognize the smell.”
“Yeah, well I was just talking to my buddy and he said I should come see you.”
“Your Buddy? Do I know this, Buddy?” She asked haughtily, tossing her magnificently coiffured gray head of hair to one side.
“I don’t know you know him or not. His name isn’t really Buddy. It’s D.T.”
“Like he has the D.T.’s? Delirium Tremens.”
“Ahhh. Ha ha ha. Did I say D.T? I meant D.A.”
“What’s that stand for?”
“Death Angel.”
“Oh, Mmm. Well, that’s different. But you see we’ve already given. The governor’s firstborn Johnny Winkums, from his first marriage. I never liked him really but he’s dead now so what are you gonna do?” she said with a wistful sigh.
“Yeah well D.A. said he’s thinking maybe he needs to make a second or third pass though. You know, just to thin out the dead wood.”
“Ahh, well, I do have the really good gold and silver I didn’t give to the first group that came by.”
“Perfect. Death Angel has given me a complete inventory and as you bring it out, I’m gonna need to check off each piece to be sure we don’t miss anything and upset the big guy. I mean have you seen the sword that guy hauls around?”
“No…Not really. It is that big?”
“Take off a prefect or governor’s head in one swoop.”
“Oh, my. Oh my. Give me a minute and I’ll round things up. I’ll just bring it all out and you can sort through it at your convenience. Would that be okay?
“Actually, no. We’re in kind of a hurry. You know, trip to Goshen, things to steal, people to kill. Just keep the paste and make sure we get the good stuff. I got my inventory list right here.” She held up a blank piece of vellum and didn’t let Mrs. Governor see her side.
“Oh, my that’s quite a long list sweetheart.”
“It’s even got those gold studs you’re rocking right now on there.”
“Oh. Ok. Here. Catch. I was getting tired of them anyway. Ha ha ha.”
“Oh, And there’s one more thing Ma’am.”
“You’re cleaning me out girlie. I don’t see how there can be one more thing unless you want the air in my lungs.”
“No. You can keep that but bring out the Passel Whackers while you’re at it.”
“The what my dear?”
“The fudge nut Goombies. The caramel Gooeys. The sour Gooshers and the sweet cream Gompers. The Hen’s Teeth both frosted and double dipped. The Turtles, Myrtles, the Muggers, Frosted Luggers, Triple Twisted Smugglers and the Chocolate Licorice Whips. You can keep the red ones.”
“Oh my. Oh my. What a clever girl you are to know about those things.”
“Yeah. I got a list for those too, so don’t get cheap on me, Gerty.”
“Well, since you put it that way, what choice do I have?”
“I could ring up D.A. He’s over on the next block trashing your neighbor’s cabana boy right now.”
“Raul? Oh, how utterly sad. No, no, my dear. Keep your list out. It’ll all be on there; plus a few things we go in from Holland this morning that probably aren’t even on your list yet.”
“Holding out on me Gert?”
“He, he, he. Never would I. I’ll just be a minute…”
Jack the Nose brought up the tail end of the Israelites journey from Egypt to the promised land. And since he was the very last one, his camel train loaded to the gills with goodies; he got just a little wet when Moses closed up the Red Sea behind them. He took the taffy down, tasted it, and decided it was better with a little sea salt on there. And that’s how we got Salt Water Taffy.
The End.