A man of integrity

A man of integrity

(If you like this story there are tons more here. You can also find a whole bunch of different books I’ve written right here. So, you’ve got a whole lot to enjoy. Check them out please. Thank you.)

He’s already shown his colors, Robb has, so I will write his story. At least part of it.

My son Gabriel is a handsome man. When he was a young boy and I asked a beautiful adult woman what she wanted out of life she told me, “I want to marry Gabe.” So, he is nice to look at.

One day when he was in his early twenties Gabe and I were walking through the mall and I suddenly noticed all these beautiful young girls smiling shyly at me. Wow! Had I been working out at the gym or did I finally get my hair right? Suddenly everyone was looking at me and it was nice. Nice to have pretty girls smile at me.

Then the lunkhead part of me talked to the idiot part of me. “Yo chucklehead!”

“Yes sir. Were you talking to me sir?”

“Yes chuckles. Look at who’s walking besides you.”

“There’s no one there but my son Gabriel sir.”

“Yeah. It’s him not you all these honey’s are looking at.”

“No. No sir, I’m sure you’re wrong. They are definitely staring at me sir.”

“Ok. How many times have you walked though this mall on your own?”

“About a zillion.’

“Ok. And in those zillion times have any of these hotties every given you even a passing glance?”

“No sir. young girls don’t stare at fat old men.”

“Ok Slick. So, what’s changed?”

“I think I bought some Brylcreem high shine hair cream last week. I’ll bet that’s it sir?”

“You don’t think maybe it’s the fact that there is an adonis god walking by your side?”

“Not at all sir. I mean even the older gals closer to my age are staring at me with looks that make your mouth water. Water in a good way sir…”

But as hard as I tried to dig my way out of this one the dawn came upon me. I was not suddenly Mr. Irresistible. I was still a stand in for the Pillsbury Dough Boy. And they were all enjoying looking at Gaber-pup.

One time when I was single, I was primping for a date, looked in the mirror and lamented, “Ohh, I wish I was better looking.” Immediately God’s holy spirit told me firmly, “NO! you are what you are for my glory!” God thinks I look ok. And I mean, he’s God man. So, his opinion has got to count—probably at least a little don’t you think? Maybe?

Ok, God don’t make junk. Got it. God made me. Got it. Sure, my mother and father helped some but I am not a random collection of parts. I am designed by a master designer. Someone said, “What you are is God’s gift to you. What you make of yourself is your gift to God.

I think when he made me he was really hoping for what was behind door number two, a set of nice steak knives or something, not Frankie Chocolate the booby prize. But since I gave my heart and soul to Jesus he’s been stuck with me cuz I may stray but I know when I got it good and always come back to him.

But now back to the idea that what I make of myself is my gift back to God. To cheer God up I just bought myself a new tube of Brylcreem hair stuff. High shine! I need to look my best when I am huffing up on that treadmill or walking to my seat at church.

And you know, Billy Crystal was right. It’s better to look good than to feel good. And on days when somehow in spite of my best efforts it all falls together and I look pretty good, and I’ve put on not too much cologne like I typically do.

When you look good you feel good. And when you feel good you give off a vibe, an energy, confidence. And it’s appealing to those around you, men and women both. Confidence, an assurance that things are gonna work out the way they’re supposed to.

Some call it faith but faith in what? In his beyond words wonderful story, “The stars my destination,” Alfred Bester talked about jaunting, traveling through space and time with only the power of your mind.

He said it was important to have faith. Not in anything special, just faith in faith. But Alfie was wrong by a mile. I still love him but he was completely wrong. The bible says that he that trusts in himself is a fool! I’m gonna trust me to work things out?

Look if I can find both my shoes in the morning it’s a good day. And if my shoelace doesn’t break that day? There’s dancing in the streets! Until that bogus lace breaks and I end up tripping over it instead of tripping the Light Fantastic! So, Alfie was close. It’s important to have faith. But not in yourself man. Do you have any idea, any real idea of what a cheese eater you are? Of what an ultra-maroon I am? But now faith in God… Now you’re sqwakin brother! Now you’re singing the right toon sister!

See, Jesus got it right. All of it. Never once sinned. Did everything God our Father told him to do. Completed his work when he died on the cross, was buried and rose from the dead three days later. BAM! BAM! BAM!

Jesus went toe to toe with Satan and kicked that fallen angel to the curb. Jesus said, ask the Father what you want and he will do it because of me. Because I paid the sin debt for you on the cross. BAM! So, I got some faith in him. Not a lot mind you, but I got some. And that’s enough. And today God rewarded that faith.

I like perfume. Maybe you would not like the stuff I buy. Maybe you would, but I like it. I’ve learned to first only buy a tiny glass vial of a new perfume I’m interested in. Then if its donkey puke I’m not stuck with a full bottle I gotta smile and convince someone how good this stuff is and how much I like them and how wonderful it is that I am giving them the five full five gallon pails of this stuff I overbought in my enthusiasm and youthful zeal.

Lately I’ve made a new discovery. A new old discovery. Deer musk perfume. Attar. They found a humane way to get the musk grains without killing Bambi so in clear conscience I can put this stuff on me.

And see if it does not add to my confidence. Heads will turn, smiling faces will turn wistfully as I pass by and handsome men and women will remark, “You know, there is just something wonderful about that Frankie Chocolate…” Ahh, I can smell it now.

But look, nothing with Sandalwood added. I keep forgetting. I really can’t stand the odor of Sandalwood. Ok. Ok. So, you love it and only an oaf would not love it. I guess we both know what kind of man I am. An oaf. Got it. Thank you very much sir, may I have another?

There are more scammers selling fake deer musk, fake Ambergris and fake this or that in the perfume world than there are in almost any other field of scam. They grow on trees and when they are ripe a strong wind comes along, shakes the scammer out of his tree. The scam pod rolls to the ground, breaks open. The scammer stretches his antenna, unfurls his wings and starts a Ponzi scheme before breakfast.

So, not being as clever as I think I am, I wanted to avoid the fake deer musk and dial up the real stuff. The wise folks on Basenotes perfume site recommend two honest vendors. Now, in truth not many of these kind folks grew up around Musk Deer in Siberia and Asia and though they praised the quality of their purchases from these two vendors, in truth what they were saying was overall they had a good experience with these vendors. They were no more qualified to certify the veracity of the deer musk than I was. Who knows what they bought? But the vendor’s were nice and the swill, whatever it was, exceeded their expectations.

So, I took a chance. Was already prepared to be ripped off. I ordered a tiny vial of this musk crap in some neutral vegetable oil. NOT Sandalwood. Why are all these sites so gaga for sandalwood? And the stuff never came. So, I uncovered a man of integrity.

I wrote a nice letter to the vendor. Hey, it’s been overly long. I never got my juice. Could you either send out another package and add a bit more for my having to wait, or just refund me. I really don’t like giving bad reviews online. Everyone loses.

And Ninja Robb replied right away. Like instantly! “It takes a long time to ship from Asia to sweet home Chicago. Even longer with two of three wars going on. It’s on its way but if I liked, to put my mind at ease, he would refund my price, then, when the goods finally showed up, I could repurchase them again.”

Wow! Are you kidding me? Holy Cow. I had just uncovered a like minded man of integrity. One time years ago a rich entitled woman had me clean her carpets. I came back twice and she was still not happy. She demanded I refund all her money.

In what world do you get to hire someone. Have them out two more times then expect them to work for nothing and give you back all the money. If she said that to the plumber, the roofer or the dr. they’d rightly tell her to just go to Hell.

I did her one even better. I put her name on the top of my “Never again.” List. Then I refunded her even more money than she gave me in the first place. It was my slap in the face to her. I never said I would work for free. If you were not happy you could flame me on social media like you’ve done for everyone else who earned your ire. Cuz that’s how you roll sweet cheeks.

She got more than she started with and the money I was out was a bargain. For a little bit of money I was free for all eternity against ever working ever again for a toxic self-entitled full of herself hellion. I was out a few bucks but miles ahead!

So, it turns out Ninja Robb was also a man of integrity. He fully realized though he had a business to run, in his entire life, he never had one thing more valuable than his word. And he safeguarded that word with all he had.

I was blessed to read his reply and begged off any refund. Once I understood I was dealing with a like minded man of integrity my mind was at ease. He was the “Amazon of deer musk.” If you are not happy Amazon will do whatever it takes to make you happy. Frankie, how bout I give you back all your money. When your goods finally arrive safe and sound I’ll trust you to send me what you owe me. Would that be fair? Dude! No prob. I’ll wait.

And even if this new tiny sample smells like piss I will still tell everyone Ninja Robb is an honest man who deals in musks and integrity. What an honor to deal with a rare vendor like this.

And now for the end of the story. I asked Robb how he came up with the name Ninja Robb and he never replied. It was foolish not to give me a reply. Because that gives me complete license to fabricate my own story which I was gonna do anyway. and here you lucky readers is that story!

When Robbie was a little boy roaming the hills of Tibet and Siberia he was in love with cute little Betty Lou. Betty was as cute as a button and all the boys wanted to be her boyfriend. Even in first grade. Robbie was not super handsome or clever or witty. He was ok, not dumb but he was shy. How in the world does the shy boy get the pretty first grader all the boys are buzzing around like a bee after their honey. He was not good at soccer or cricket or anything. And math was hard so he struggled with that too.

The only thing he was good at was marbles. He was a killer diller at playing marbles. And he prize possession was a Steelie marble his uncle Otto had brought back from a factory in Detroit when he was working over there as a young man. It was the size of a small goose egg and when things got tense in a marble showdown on the playground little Robbie would reach into his leather bag and bring out Big George, his mammoth Steelie, to save the day.

Well, one day he was cleaning up in the marble game. It was like taking salt from a baby. Everyone in town was poor so they gave their kids salt instead of candy. Their teeth lasted longer anyway. So, there was plenty of salt in and around Robbie’s leather marble bag when Joel the Musk Deer with those little vampire fangs at the sides of his mouth, bounding into the playground to get away from Lucifer the Snow leopard who was bound and determined to invite Joel over for Sunday dinner. Nothing runs like a deer for his life. Nothing except Robbie the marble king.

As I heard it, in three great bounds Joel had landed in the middle of the dust circle where Robbie was playing marbles. Lucifer was closing in fast with his own leaps and bounds. Joel only had a moment before his next leap. He had landed in the middle of the marble pitch and smelled the salt. In a thrice he snapped up Robbie’s marble bag and bounded out into the forest.

“Oh no you don’t!” shouted our hero. He took a massive swing and connected with the Snow Leopard. Oooofff! The cat went sailing and decided he would just serve hamburger helper with duck for dinner. Ducks were easy to catch. But Robbie was after Joel and his marbles double time.

You think a young boy cannot outrun a musk deer? You’d be right except this was Robbie who liked to dress up as a ninja. So ninja Robb sailed after the four footed scoundrel. Ran over hill and dale, creek and valley. At ten thousand feet he finally tackled Joel and they both were in the fight of their lives. Joels was up on his hind feet, shuffling and bobbing and tapping Robb with the old one two punch combo. Robb was sinking fast. So he head faked and dove between Joe’s legs, lifted him up, tossed him to the ground and pinned him. He got his marbles back, especially Big George the Steelie.

But when he got back into town Betty Lou showed up and she was all over him. Telling him he was cute and brave to punch that terrible awful snow cat and how fast he was to run down that mean old musk deer. It was her birthday next week and would Robbie like to come to it?

Rob was mystified at his change in status. In one afternoon he went from zero to hero.

Then his older brother smelled him. “You smell like the musk sack of one of those vampire deer from up in the hills. It was then our hero put two and two together. He ended up marrying Betty Lou and having three handsome kids. Two boys and a girl, and thankfully they all favored their mother. And Robbie became Ninja Robb the deer musk man. And more than that. He became a man of integrity. The End.